Thursday, June 30, 2011
Dealing with others has never been my strong suit
A part of me knows because I am so weird and I come on strong that no man will have me. In addition to having to learn how to deal with people better for the sake of my folks and others. In a perfect world I wish I could live a real isolated part of the world and away from people. That way i never have to worry about people judging me or doing anything to please others. I wish I didn't have to change to please others but I must. It's sad though. I think one of the reasons I like writing is I can be judged but not too personally. Ironically it's one of the reasons why I accept everyone for who they are in spite of everything or at least I like to believe that I do. It's because I know how hurtful judging can be. It's sad but I guess it's part of life.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Sometimes I think life sucks
I know that's a bit of a strong thing to say especially when they are alot of other people who are in worse situations than I could ever imagine being in or handling. I'm actually pretty lucky with my life when you think about it. I've got a family, friends, an education (more or less), and I'm a good person. However, I might be dramatizing this situation a bit more or less but...you see just a few minutes ago I finished watching a documentary on well...bluntly fathers killing their pregant girlfriends or wives and it kinda got me thinking when the pyschatrists started spouting out reasons for this behavior. Well, to those people I have one thing to say: ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR *#*%ING MIND?!
There are absolutely no excuses for these kind of things! Women can't choose whether or not to have a baby its something that just happens we can't control it anymore than the sun can control where it sets or rises. Men have no say it either nor mothers who don't want their kids! Babies never ask to be born to whom or to what life! No one has any right to take someone's life unless they've been given a trial, a conviction, and a judgement! You can't just do something has horrible as that life is not a toy that you can take anytime, anywhere, and anyhow it's the one true gift that God can give us. What posses people do this sort of evil & sadistic behavior I'll never know and I don't want to know because whether or not this can be excused the person who has taken away someone's life without a just reason has absolutely no other purpose on this Earth except to be punished for what they have done! It doesn't matter what situation they're born in abusive, emotional in-balanced, or God only knows what ele it is no excuse t all! My own father was born into such a situation his father beat him, his mother was a total nutjob, and his sister went the entire "Girl Interupted" phase when she was middle school and lasted straight to college! He, in addition to all that crap, had a disability along with geting beat-up in every school he went to! His father neglected him, left him, his mother, and sister when he was 14, and he even disowned my dad for thinking that he was taking his mother's side againest him! Is that bogus or what? Mom didn't fair any better her father ran off with some hoochie when she was 11, her mother broke down into a million pieces after that and it took her 6 years to get back on her feet while my mom in the meantime had to cook for herself, earn her own money, make her own clothes, take care of her mother, and help figure out how to pay the bills. Last but not least, when her father died that bitch of a stepmother stole every damn thing that rightfully belonged to my mother right down to the last ball of lint!
As for me, I was born with a disability that made me in a word: a freak! I talked, acted, thought, the entire she-bang like some kind of an alien! They didn't figure what the hell was wrong with until I was 15 in the hospital for attempted suicide! People used to tease me like I was some kind of animal! I was pushed down stairs, assualted in bathrooms, videotaped in the locker room, and rumors spread about me from my school to the internet like wildfire. Worst of all some jerks went as far as to using my desperation for friends and acceptance to make me dance, and sing for them like a puppet! I used to beat-up on my sister for the things I went through, she went through tons of discrimination 'cause of me, guys would ostracize her because she's blonde, and some of her friends would use her as a scapegoat for the pranks they pulled because they knew she would willingly take the blam since she's such a good friend!
See?! Tons of people go through shit like abuse, depression, temptation of drugs, etc. etc. But as far as I can tell my father hasn't murdered anyone or killed any of his girlfriends. Sure, he may have anger problems nd would go ballastic often when I was kid but he never hit me, nor Heather, or Mom and in the end he got help for himself like therapy and medication. I was bullied like shit ever since I was four (still am as a matter of fact) but I try to keep a lid on my temper and I'd sooner seel my soul to the devil than take a life no matter whom it belonged to whether it was an old bully of mine or someone who traumtizied near to the verge of suicide and showed no remorse what so ever I would still not take his life because I'm not a police officer nor any other member of the judicial system so I have absolutely no right to take a life. Mom may have had problems with her own mother but she doesn't take any of her anger on Heather and me she's always there for us and would never let anything or anyone hurt us. Heather may still be under microscopic scrunity from some punks, and some of her friends do use her for their own selfish purposes but as much I've heard she hasn't taken a life or any of the such pyschotic behavior.
Bottom line: it doesn't matter what these people went through as children it is no excuse to take a life innocent or in their eyes guilty unless they are law enforcers they have no right to punish someone for a crime. We shouldn't try to understand their reasons because in the end it won't bring back the people we have lost. There are only two choices we can make in those situtions to do the right or wrong thing. I've made my choice to prove to all those losers that thought I could do nothing with my life wrong by not becoming a bad person and making a success out of myself. To others who don't share this view nor have chosen it than I sincerely hope Satan gives you a warm welcome when they send you back to him.
There are absolutely no excuses for these kind of things! Women can't choose whether or not to have a baby its something that just happens we can't control it anymore than the sun can control where it sets or rises. Men have no say it either nor mothers who don't want their kids! Babies never ask to be born to whom or to what life! No one has any right to take someone's life unless they've been given a trial, a conviction, and a judgement! You can't just do something has horrible as that life is not a toy that you can take anytime, anywhere, and anyhow it's the one true gift that God can give us. What posses people do this sort of evil & sadistic behavior I'll never know and I don't want to know because whether or not this can be excused the person who has taken away someone's life without a just reason has absolutely no other purpose on this Earth except to be punished for what they have done! It doesn't matter what situation they're born in abusive, emotional in-balanced, or God only knows what ele it is no excuse t all! My own father was born into such a situation his father beat him, his mother was a total nutjob, and his sister went the entire "Girl Interupted" phase when she was middle school and lasted straight to college! He, in addition to all that crap, had a disability along with geting beat-up in every school he went to! His father neglected him, left him, his mother, and sister when he was 14, and he even disowned my dad for thinking that he was taking his mother's side againest him! Is that bogus or what? Mom didn't fair any better her father ran off with some hoochie when she was 11, her mother broke down into a million pieces after that and it took her 6 years to get back on her feet while my mom in the meantime had to cook for herself, earn her own money, make her own clothes, take care of her mother, and help figure out how to pay the bills. Last but not least, when her father died that bitch of a stepmother stole every damn thing that rightfully belonged to my mother right down to the last ball of lint!
As for me, I was born with a disability that made me in a word: a freak! I talked, acted, thought, the entire she-bang like some kind of an alien! They didn't figure what the hell was wrong with until I was 15 in the hospital for attempted suicide! People used to tease me like I was some kind of animal! I was pushed down stairs, assualted in bathrooms, videotaped in the locker room, and rumors spread about me from my school to the internet like wildfire. Worst of all some jerks went as far as to using my desperation for friends and acceptance to make me dance, and sing for them like a puppet! I used to beat-up on my sister for the things I went through, she went through tons of discrimination 'cause of me, guys would ostracize her because she's blonde, and some of her friends would use her as a scapegoat for the pranks they pulled because they knew she would willingly take the blam since she's such a good friend!
See?! Tons of people go through shit like abuse, depression, temptation of drugs, etc. etc. But as far as I can tell my father hasn't murdered anyone or killed any of his girlfriends. Sure, he may have anger problems nd would go ballastic often when I was kid but he never hit me, nor Heather, or Mom and in the end he got help for himself like therapy and medication. I was bullied like shit ever since I was four (still am as a matter of fact) but I try to keep a lid on my temper and I'd sooner seel my soul to the devil than take a life no matter whom it belonged to whether it was an old bully of mine or someone who traumtizied near to the verge of suicide and showed no remorse what so ever I would still not take his life because I'm not a police officer nor any other member of the judicial system so I have absolutely no right to take a life. Mom may have had problems with her own mother but she doesn't take any of her anger on Heather and me she's always there for us and would never let anything or anyone hurt us. Heather may still be under microscopic scrunity from some punks, and some of her friends do use her for their own selfish purposes but as much I've heard she hasn't taken a life or any of the such pyschotic behavior.
Bottom line: it doesn't matter what these people went through as children it is no excuse to take a life innocent or in their eyes guilty unless they are law enforcers they have no right to punish someone for a crime. We shouldn't try to understand their reasons because in the end it won't bring back the people we have lost. There are only two choices we can make in those situtions to do the right or wrong thing. I've made my choice to prove to all those losers that thought I could do nothing with my life wrong by not becoming a bad person and making a success out of myself. To others who don't share this view nor have chosen it than I sincerely hope Satan gives you a warm welcome when they send you back to him.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Kindle Author: Kindle Author Interview: L.A. Jones
Kindle Author: Kindle Author Interview: L.A. Jones: "L.A. Jones, author of Tales of Arcadia the Last Witch , discusses her book, her journey as a writer, and self-publishing on Kindle. DAVID ..."
Tongue piercing causes disease
Kim and I went to see an Anime Convention today! It was sooo cool! We saw all kinds of neat art, costumes, and merchandise I was even able to finally buy a keychain of Kouga from Inu Yasha you know the wolf demon dude (I adore him!)We also played "spot the character" with the people wearing costumes in hushed voices so no one would notice or be insulted but some did give us a few stares but hey they're the ones dressed up like cartoons. Basically, that was all I did today but I gotta admit that I am worried about something. There's this class I'm taking called Reading & Writing Adv. (a pre-requisite thing so I didn't nessarily choose it) and I've been absent quite often hell I've already used my four absences for the rest of the semester but hey I'm still new at this stupid college system thing so it isn't that unbelievable. But I've been keeping up with the class, pretty dedicated to my work, and the teacher is impressed with my performance so at least I have a sporting chance of not being dropped from the class besides why would I want to miss anymore of them the only reasons why I missed the others was 'cause I was tired but from now on I won't ever miss a class and should a doctor's appt. or something come up I'll just reschedule it.
Heather's doing okay I supposed but things are still bad between her and that asshole of a human male A.J. GRRRR If I knew what this guy looked like I would march straight up to him, and kick him so hard that he's gonna wish for the rest of his life that he was born a girl! Damned jerk! How dare he treat my sister like some kind of toy?! I wish I could give him a piece of my mind and my fist to wash it down with. But hey he's Heather's BGF (Best Guy Friend) so it's gotta be her decision of what happens besides she's got a good head on her shoulders. People might not realize it especially Mom and Dad but Heather is a very smart girl and no matter she choice she makes she always makes sure that its the right one. Sure she's had her problems like rebelliousness, sketchy friends, marijuana, alchol, and deliberately disobeying orders like not getting her tongue pierced or nose but all teenagers go through that one way or another. She may have exprienced that crap but while others have totally lost themselves along with their futures Heather has kept at her school work, not skipped any classes save a few at random times, not lost her place on the honor roll, gone on to anything stronger like heroin, crack etc. and when Mom asked her to take the piercing out of her tongue she did just that because of two things one) Mom explained how much she hated it. two)having your tongue pierced can cause you to have a heart attack at an early age.
Here's a link for further proof
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/15305276/ns/health-health_care/t/teens-tongue-piercing-causes-suicide-disease/
Entitled Teen's tongue piercing causes ‘suicide disease’
Severely painful nerve disorder the latest on list of complications
Heather's doing okay I supposed but things are still bad between her and that asshole of a human male A.J. GRRRR If I knew what this guy looked like I would march straight up to him, and kick him so hard that he's gonna wish for the rest of his life that he was born a girl! Damned jerk! How dare he treat my sister like some kind of toy?! I wish I could give him a piece of my mind and my fist to wash it down with. But hey he's Heather's BGF (Best Guy Friend) so it's gotta be her decision of what happens besides she's got a good head on her shoulders. People might not realize it especially Mom and Dad but Heather is a very smart girl and no matter she choice she makes she always makes sure that its the right one. Sure she's had her problems like rebelliousness, sketchy friends, marijuana, alchol, and deliberately disobeying orders like not getting her tongue pierced or nose but all teenagers go through that one way or another. She may have exprienced that crap but while others have totally lost themselves along with their futures Heather has kept at her school work, not skipped any classes save a few at random times, not lost her place on the honor roll, gone on to anything stronger like heroin, crack etc. and when Mom asked her to take the piercing out of her tongue she did just that because of two things one) Mom explained how much she hated it. two)having your tongue pierced can cause you to have a heart attack at an early age.
Here's a link for further proof
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/15305276/ns/health-health_care/t/teens-tongue-piercing-causes-suicide-disease/
Entitled Teen's tongue piercing causes ‘suicide disease’
Severely painful nerve disorder the latest on list of complications
Monday, June 27, 2011
An interesting week indeed
Mom & Heather are supposed to come home from London today! I can't wait to see 'em! I hope they had a good time because Mom had to go there for a business trip, and Heather's been going through alot of crap with her friends hence accompaning Mom to the U.K to get some relaxation.
Still, I hope Heather had a good time in England Lord knows she could use a break it is after all her JUNIOR year (the most brutal year of High School) and she's been under tons of pressure not only from her studies but her grades, choosing colleges, requirements for graduation, and especially the new SAT! Poor thing I really do feel sorry for her and I pray that she'll be able to get through this with her sanity still intacted. Although, Heather & Mom went to England by themselves and I stayed at home I mangaed to have a good time just as well because even though Mom does trust me she thoughht someone should stay at home to look after me. So my cousin Justin, and his girlfriend came to stay the week at our house. We had a great time too! Lissa (Justin's girlfriend) was very nice, and I enjoyed getting to know her as much I got to know Justin. Dad's family is from the West Coast (California) and even though he lives in Washington D.C. on the East Coast his sister, and two cousins still live there. Only reason Dad lives so far away is because he works for the central government so he needs to be near the place its located. Case in point: Washington D.C. the nation's capitol the irony is that he works for the foreign service so it really doesn't matter if he lives near Washington because he always ends up going tens of thousands of miles away from it. Its no picinic living far away from my cousins I admit especially when I was younger and wanted to spend time with them. But we've managed to keep in touch over the years heck when my family and I moved to Egypt they still sent their presents to us for Christmas despite the huge postal cost and the international red tape that they must've gone through. Also, when my Dad got sick and even though it was right in the middle of the year so my aunts, and uncles were undoubtly swamped with work they called ever chance they could to talk to Dad, comfort Heather, me and especially my Mom, and visit us! Sure they may not be the greatest family considering the hostility that exists between them and my mother. My dad was the youngest nephew and son of the true tie to the family, my grandmother Emily, so when he suddenly showed up with a complete stranger attached to his arm and a ring on his finger... well, needless to say there was a tiny bit of apprehension. Its funny, however, because even though my mom and dad were the first ones in the family to get married they were the last to have children! My Aunt Chrissy, and Uncle Mike became the first parents so it shouldn't be too suprising since she's my Dad's older sister and was the competetive type. But its not like she got married for that reason alone because my dad and her parents had gone through a REALLY messy divorce so when probably she and Uncle Mike decided to get married she wanted to absolutely sure that their marriage would last. Dad did mention to me that Aunt Chrissy had dated alot before she settled down and the reason was most defintely being positive that she was marrying the right person. Funnily enough, my mom and dad had gotten married whenever they were much younger then my cousin Justin and his girlfriend they were still very careful about their decision because they both came from divorced families. A blessing in disguise I must say because if Mom hadn't know the consequences of divorce she and Dad may have not been able to work things out as well they did.
I gotta admit it was a weird exprience having my cousin stay over with his girlfriend because whenever I talked to Lissa (his girlfriend's name) I starteed wondering about the possibility of us eventually becoming in-laws. I know its way too earlt to tell way, way, wayyyyy too early. After all, both she and my cousin just moved here from California and Colorado and they're still trying to make good on their budget and living conditions. They both jobs so work is definitely not going to be a big problem. In fact, the reason why Justin moved here in the first place is because he's been cursed with the same ambition and dream as Dad. An ambition, a dream not to mention an intense love of international conflicts and travel. Its also pretty funny that only does Justin want to become a foreign service worker like my dad he acts, talks hell even thinks so much like him that if I wasn't postive he was my cousin I'd think he's my Dad's illegitmate son! Why am I postive? Because chances it would take less time for hell itself to freeze over than for my Dad to even consider having an affair. He's crazy about mom and although Aunt Chrissy may be the one that can completely control him my mother would just have to ask my Dad once for him to walk all around the entire Earth 5 times just to pick her favorite flower. Mom may not appear to have the same obession of Dad as he with her but to tell the tuth Mom would gladly sell her soul to the Devil himself than for Dad not to be her husband for just one day.
Dad called me yesterday, come to think of it, he just wanted to check up on me and see if I was doing okay. I am okay but I must confess I miss him so much. Its just not the same with Dad not being here its like a huge part of my life has been cut straight out of me. But hey, I'm going to see him soon enough in March to be specific for spring break and I'll spend it entirely with him in Jakarta and in Bali. I simply cannot wait! I've even begun taking requests from my friends if they would like for me to get them something when I go. I've also bought a scrapbook to record and save mementos for my time spent with Dad.
Still, I hope Heather had a good time in England Lord knows she could use a break it is after all her JUNIOR year (the most brutal year of High School) and she's been under tons of pressure not only from her studies but her grades, choosing colleges, requirements for graduation, and especially the new SAT! Poor thing I really do feel sorry for her and I pray that she'll be able to get through this with her sanity still intacted. Although, Heather & Mom went to England by themselves and I stayed at home I mangaed to have a good time just as well because even though Mom does trust me she thoughht someone should stay at home to look after me. So my cousin Justin, and his girlfriend came to stay the week at our house. We had a great time too! Lissa (Justin's girlfriend) was very nice, and I enjoyed getting to know her as much I got to know Justin. Dad's family is from the West Coast (California) and even though he lives in Washington D.C. on the East Coast his sister, and two cousins still live there. Only reason Dad lives so far away is because he works for the central government so he needs to be near the place its located. Case in point: Washington D.C. the nation's capitol the irony is that he works for the foreign service so it really doesn't matter if he lives near Washington because he always ends up going tens of thousands of miles away from it. Its no picinic living far away from my cousins I admit especially when I was younger and wanted to spend time with them. But we've managed to keep in touch over the years heck when my family and I moved to Egypt they still sent their presents to us for Christmas despite the huge postal cost and the international red tape that they must've gone through. Also, when my Dad got sick and even though it was right in the middle of the year so my aunts, and uncles were undoubtly swamped with work they called ever chance they could to talk to Dad, comfort Heather, me and especially my Mom, and visit us! Sure they may not be the greatest family considering the hostility that exists between them and my mother. My dad was the youngest nephew and son of the true tie to the family, my grandmother Emily, so when he suddenly showed up with a complete stranger attached to his arm and a ring on his finger... well, needless to say there was a tiny bit of apprehension. Its funny, however, because even though my mom and dad were the first ones in the family to get married they were the last to have children! My Aunt Chrissy, and Uncle Mike became the first parents so it shouldn't be too suprising since she's my Dad's older sister and was the competetive type. But its not like she got married for that reason alone because my dad and her parents had gone through a REALLY messy divorce so when probably she and Uncle Mike decided to get married she wanted to absolutely sure that their marriage would last. Dad did mention to me that Aunt Chrissy had dated alot before she settled down and the reason was most defintely being positive that she was marrying the right person. Funnily enough, my mom and dad had gotten married whenever they were much younger then my cousin Justin and his girlfriend they were still very careful about their decision because they both came from divorced families. A blessing in disguise I must say because if Mom hadn't know the consequences of divorce she and Dad may have not been able to work things out as well they did.
I gotta admit it was a weird exprience having my cousin stay over with his girlfriend because whenever I talked to Lissa (his girlfriend's name) I starteed wondering about the possibility of us eventually becoming in-laws. I know its way too earlt to tell way, way, wayyyyy too early. After all, both she and my cousin just moved here from California and Colorado and they're still trying to make good on their budget and living conditions. They both jobs so work is definitely not going to be a big problem. In fact, the reason why Justin moved here in the first place is because he's been cursed with the same ambition and dream as Dad. An ambition, a dream not to mention an intense love of international conflicts and travel. Its also pretty funny that only does Justin want to become a foreign service worker like my dad he acts, talks hell even thinks so much like him that if I wasn't postive he was my cousin I'd think he's my Dad's illegitmate son! Why am I postive? Because chances it would take less time for hell itself to freeze over than for my Dad to even consider having an affair. He's crazy about mom and although Aunt Chrissy may be the one that can completely control him my mother would just have to ask my Dad once for him to walk all around the entire Earth 5 times just to pick her favorite flower. Mom may not appear to have the same obession of Dad as he with her but to tell the tuth Mom would gladly sell her soul to the Devil himself than for Dad not to be her husband for just one day.
Dad called me yesterday, come to think of it, he just wanted to check up on me and see if I was doing okay. I am okay but I must confess I miss him so much. Its just not the same with Dad not being here its like a huge part of my life has been cut straight out of me. But hey, I'm going to see him soon enough in March to be specific for spring break and I'll spend it entirely with him in Jakarta and in Bali. I simply cannot wait! I've even begun taking requests from my friends if they would like for me to get them something when I go. I've also bought a scrapbook to record and save mementos for my time spent with Dad.
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Questions come to me
Today was certainly intresting one. First got up at 2 in the morning, went back toi bed at 4, went to see my Dr., got to school really early but had to figure out a way to get there right on the spot, went to English class and found out that we had HWK due and I wasn't even aware of it, awful in-class assignment, and am now tired out of my freaking mind! I know, I know, I shouldn't be whinning things could be alot worse I guess I'm just a big baby sometimes.
But something did occur to me in English class that I've been turning over in my mind for the past threee hours! You see, in my class there's this...um..I dunno "old"...well wouldn't say friend but ah hell that's not the point! Anyway, I was talking to this guy whom I've actually known since Middle School and the subject of Valentines day/dating came up. Don't ask please! So I asked if he was gonna celebrate with his girlfriend, and he said that she and him had broke up a long time ago. That's when it hit me. That I had never had a real relationship with anyone before.
Don't get me wrong its not like I haven't date in my life its just...that was a long time ago and I don't really have pleasant memories about it. To tell the truth, the only time I fell completely head over heels for someone was when I met Matt back in Egypt. My parents are in the foreign service so we've (my sister and I) been traveling ever since we were babies hell I was even born on one of their trips. In Manchester, England where ironically Mom was born and raised. Anyhoo, I was in 6th grade around 11 when we went to Egypt we had planned to stay for three years or so but things changed. However, while I was there I met some intresting people like Elizabeth & Nicole, Alanna & Katherine, the Johnson boys, the Dole boys, the McClouds, and the Rileys. I met some other people too but my memory isn't that great. The people I just mentioned, however, were very special to me, we all hung out together at the Maadi House (an American/Egyptain verison of a country club), celebrated holidays together, but most importantly developed feelings for each other. Ex. Alanna's little brother fell for my sister but when she rejected his advances (not in a mean of course) he started courting one of Alanna and mine best friends, Katherine. Heather (my sister) didn't stay single for long though because it turns out that the Rileys were old friends of our parents and they too had children. An eldest daughter named Elizabeth a.k.a Besty and a younger son about Heather's age named Will and I bet by now you can see where I'm going with this. I, however, for the longest time had a bit of crush on David of the Johnson boys. They were four of them in all, David was my age, Timmy was the youngest, Kenny was the second oldest, and Matt was the first born. As the four of them spent more and more time with Alanna, Katherine, and I. My feelings started to wear out for David and little by little I fell head over heels for Matt. It wasn't that he was older or cuter that I found him extremely attractive he had a way of making me feel better about myself (it was my pre-teen years after all), he spoke to me like no one else did like I was smart, and clever and not a bit weird. We would have tons of conversations just him and I mostly about God because he and his family were very religious. But other times we would just kid around, cracking jokes at each other, and for the first time in my life I actually felt like someone respected me. Sometimes when I would get upset about the other kids at the Maadi house (not my friends of course) making fun of me and calling me weird he would somehow in some mysterious way sneak poems into my backpack to cheer me up. He was always there for me like a big brother but I wanted him to be way more then that. However, there wasn't even the slightest possibilty that he and I would "hook up" because not only was he older then me 18 years old to my 12 he was also too mature, and sophisiticated to ever want to spend time with an obnoxious little kid like me.
*Sigh* In the end my family and I moved back to America and I never saw him again. But its crazy I mean even though its been 5 years since I've seen him and alot of things have changed about me I still can't find anyone who comes close to him. He was so sweet, kind, caring, he was like an angel! Even at that time I had a "fantasy" image of what the perfect man would be and he was every bit of it! Its not like I'm desperate or anything its just...*sigh* I'm confused I really don't know what's like to BE in a relationship. I mean is it basically finding someone whom you can tolerate having sex with or what?
Ah whatever! I supposed I'll find someone when the time is right in the mean time I hope hell I even pray that Hollywood will lower their sexual expectations because if one more blonde bimbo comes up to me and asks if the reason why you don't date because you're a lesbian?" I am gonna go SOOOO axe-murderer/black widow postal!
But something did occur to me in English class that I've been turning over in my mind for the past threee hours! You see, in my class there's this...um..I dunno "old"...well wouldn't say friend but ah hell that's not the point! Anyway, I was talking to this guy whom I've actually known since Middle School and the subject of Valentines day/dating came up. Don't ask please! So I asked if he was gonna celebrate with his girlfriend, and he said that she and him had broke up a long time ago. That's when it hit me. That I had never had a real relationship with anyone before.
Don't get me wrong its not like I haven't date in my life its just...that was a long time ago and I don't really have pleasant memories about it. To tell the truth, the only time I fell completely head over heels for someone was when I met Matt back in Egypt. My parents are in the foreign service so we've (my sister and I) been traveling ever since we were babies hell I was even born on one of their trips. In Manchester, England where ironically Mom was born and raised. Anyhoo, I was in 6th grade around 11 when we went to Egypt we had planned to stay for three years or so but things changed. However, while I was there I met some intresting people like Elizabeth & Nicole, Alanna & Katherine, the Johnson boys, the Dole boys, the McClouds, and the Rileys. I met some other people too but my memory isn't that great. The people I just mentioned, however, were very special to me, we all hung out together at the Maadi House (an American/Egyptain verison of a country club), celebrated holidays together, but most importantly developed feelings for each other. Ex. Alanna's little brother fell for my sister but when she rejected his advances (not in a mean of course) he started courting one of Alanna and mine best friends, Katherine. Heather (my sister) didn't stay single for long though because it turns out that the Rileys were old friends of our parents and they too had children. An eldest daughter named Elizabeth a.k.a Besty and a younger son about Heather's age named Will and I bet by now you can see where I'm going with this. I, however, for the longest time had a bit of crush on David of the Johnson boys. They were four of them in all, David was my age, Timmy was the youngest, Kenny was the second oldest, and Matt was the first born. As the four of them spent more and more time with Alanna, Katherine, and I. My feelings started to wear out for David and little by little I fell head over heels for Matt. It wasn't that he was older or cuter that I found him extremely attractive he had a way of making me feel better about myself (it was my pre-teen years after all), he spoke to me like no one else did like I was smart, and clever and not a bit weird. We would have tons of conversations just him and I mostly about God because he and his family were very religious. But other times we would just kid around, cracking jokes at each other, and for the first time in my life I actually felt like someone respected me. Sometimes when I would get upset about the other kids at the Maadi house (not my friends of course) making fun of me and calling me weird he would somehow in some mysterious way sneak poems into my backpack to cheer me up. He was always there for me like a big brother but I wanted him to be way more then that. However, there wasn't even the slightest possibilty that he and I would "hook up" because not only was he older then me 18 years old to my 12 he was also too mature, and sophisiticated to ever want to spend time with an obnoxious little kid like me.
*Sigh* In the end my family and I moved back to America and I never saw him again. But its crazy I mean even though its been 5 years since I've seen him and alot of things have changed about me I still can't find anyone who comes close to him. He was so sweet, kind, caring, he was like an angel! Even at that time I had a "fantasy" image of what the perfect man would be and he was every bit of it! Its not like I'm desperate or anything its just...*sigh* I'm confused I really don't know what's like to BE in a relationship. I mean is it basically finding someone whom you can tolerate having sex with or what?
Ah whatever! I supposed I'll find someone when the time is right in the mean time I hope hell I even pray that Hollywood will lower their sexual expectations because if one more blonde bimbo comes up to me and asks if the reason why you don't date because you're a lesbian?" I am gonna go SOOOO axe-murderer/black widow postal!
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Class and style
Classes are going pretty well, and the change in my medication dosage has thankfully taken away alot of my hyperactive behavior. I'm feeling a bit tired though but hey I woke up at 4 AM today so I shouldn't be too suprised besides with all the rapid change in the weather we get around here its impossible not to be affected both emotionally & physically. Hope it doesn't last I hate feeling tired; I get awful headaches and very irritated and believe me the last thing I want to be in my house is irritable because if I accidentally take out on Mom or Heather I might as well notify the next of my kin.
I saw a really weird but interesting news report the other day on NBC 24. It was about adultery you know affairs and the emotions plus the consquences involved. They said that the rate of adultery not to mention divorce in America has dramatically risen in the last two years from 50% to 52%! That's only the ratio of KNOWN affairs,however, because people can cheat on their spouses for year upon year and not even their kids find out about it. Why do people cheat on their spouses anyway? I mean, the only reasons I can see are sex and that's basically it. Would you really want to be with someone for the rest of your life it the only thing that was between the two of you was sex? I know I wouldn't but then again I'm a girl so...Not that women don't cheat as much as men do of course. Ever seen Unfaithful with Diane Lane & Richard Gere? Great movie & screenplay but oh man was it sad. There absolutely no words to describe how sad it was in fact I nearly puked at the end because of all my crying.
But what I can't figure out is why do people only make movies about men & women who succumb to affairs? Not everybody that gets attracted to someone else ends up cheating on their wife or husband. Want an example? My Mom & my Dad. My parents have been together for 29 years! Their anniversary is in July on the 14th. They met when they were college at Straford University in the U.K. (Mom says people aren't allowed to call it England any more just like they can't call Cope' Du Voi're the Ivory Coast. They traveled there actually when they first joined the foreign service Mom said it was really nice but that was before the civil war kicked in) Dad was a visiting student from UCLA and Mom was an actual student at Strafford. They didn't know or notice each other at first after all my Dad was American, and my Mom already had a boyfriend but he was an idiot anyway so it wasn't that big of loss on her part. Anyway, they didn't know each other that well until a camping trip was arranged by one of the teachers in a class they had together. Mom went and so did Dad neither one expecting anything "exciting" to happpen. My Dad who was once a real "ladies man" *shudder* had just broken up with his own girlfriend and decided to put off women for a while to focus on his college career. Figures it didn't last long. Everything was going pretty well on the camping trip, pretty boring as Mom can recall it but this is where the romantic part kicks in. You see during the trip one of the teachers wanted a group photo so he gathered everybody up including my Mom and Dad around the campfire to take it. They all huddled up as not exclude anyone and my Dad put his arm around my Mom's shoulder and that was all it took. For when the picture was offically Mom and Dad still sat next to each other talking, and smiling with my Dad's arm wrapped around her shoulders.
Pretty cool huh? A real romance novel kind of thing wouldn't you agree? The story doesn't end there, however, and neither does the fairy-tale romance. 'Cause remember my Dad was still an American college student so after his visit to Strattford was over he would have to go back to Califorina. Mom's friends told her to break it off since everybody knows the old phrase "long distance relationships never work". But never has anyone in history since the New Testament was written has a phrase or belief ever been so wrong! For by that time (the end of Dad's visit to be specific) Mom and my Dad were hoplessly in love with each other. Dad still went back to CO, however, but even though they were more then 3 thousand miles away they managed to maintain their relationship for three years straight until my Dad could stand it no longer and asked my Mom during one of their very few phone conversations to marry him. Unfortantely, Mom had larynginitis at the time so Dad wasn't able to get a straight answer for a while. God! That must have killed him!
Soon afterwards my Mom graduated from Strattford packed up her things, said goodbye to her mother & divorced father, her best friend Lynn whom she promised and has miracously still kept in contact with, and her childhood home to join my Dad in America. Their wedding was a small but exciting one since Dad was the youngest nephew and the first one to get married so everybody was making a huge fuss about it. Ironically, my parents were the last to have children but then again my Aunt Chrissy (whom was the first to give birth), my Dad's older sister, was always the competive to the end type. On their wedding day my Dad wore a black & white tux and Mom wore a blue dress with white spots all over it with lace on the cuffs and neck. Pretty non-tradtional I know but hey it was still one the four special somethings you know something old, something new, something borrowed, and something blue so it was not like she "abandoned" the ways of regular marriage. They rented a hotel by the sea for the service, Mom was led down the aisle by Dad's favorite cousin John, the Preacher was getting ready to begin the ceremony, and Dad's mother (my grandmother Emily) was firmly strapped into her seat by thick ropes as to resist the tempation to get up and forbid her baby boy to ever leave her. My Aunt said it was a real romantic wedding like something out of a movie but what was especially funny is when the preacher said, "...for sickness and in health, for richer and for poor" Mom and Dad burst out laughing because they were both extremely broke!
They're marriage was tough one, however, dealing with poverty, living in Wisconsin, finishing up college, helping Mom get her American citizenship, and finally having Heather and me for children. I'm the oldest actually but Heather is the one that truly looks older but it wouldn't matter if she was young or old or anything of the like because I still think she is the most beautiful girl in the entire family even Mom & Dad agree with me on that. But God have pity on my soul and my body if my female cousins ever find out that I said such a thing.
Although, Mom & Dad have had to deal with tons of junk along the way with their marriage like incompatibilty, Dad's anger, my disability, our constant moving around, Heather & I fighting alot, etc. etc. etc. They'e gotten through it all and not once have they cheated on each other and believe me there has been plenty of tempation along the way. Most of the people who work in the foreign service are single or soon-to-be divorced and Dad with his sweetheart abilities (why couldn't that have changed along with his looks?) and Mom's dominating mysterious nature (most men won't admit it but every single one in the history of creation loves the strong dominative type) they've been hit on PLENTY of times even in front of Heather and me. I've got the nightmares and the emotional scars to prove it! But not once has their attention ever strayed. Dad once said to me, "the best thing that ever happened to me besides having you and Heather of course was meeting your mother." I don't know if Mom feels the same but I know for a fact that Dad could probably hit on by BOTH of the Hilton sisters at the same time and not even raise one eyebrow.
So you see? Having a good and successful marriage IS possible! Its not easy but it is possible and it also doesn't have to be your first or even your second marriage to be the right one. You gotta take alot of chances in life my Mom & Dad took theirs when they decided that against all the odds their marriage and their love for each other was going to survive and I hope one day, no matter who it is or how I met him, I'll meet someone that I can be just as loyal and as faithful to like my Mom & my Dad are to each other.
I saw a really weird but interesting news report the other day on NBC 24. It was about adultery you know affairs and the emotions plus the consquences involved. They said that the rate of adultery not to mention divorce in America has dramatically risen in the last two years from 50% to 52%! That's only the ratio of KNOWN affairs,however, because people can cheat on their spouses for year upon year and not even their kids find out about it. Why do people cheat on their spouses anyway? I mean, the only reasons I can see are sex and that's basically it. Would you really want to be with someone for the rest of your life it the only thing that was between the two of you was sex? I know I wouldn't but then again I'm a girl so...Not that women don't cheat as much as men do of course. Ever seen Unfaithful with Diane Lane & Richard Gere? Great movie & screenplay but oh man was it sad. There absolutely no words to describe how sad it was in fact I nearly puked at the end because of all my crying.
But what I can't figure out is why do people only make movies about men & women who succumb to affairs? Not everybody that gets attracted to someone else ends up cheating on their wife or husband. Want an example? My Mom & my Dad. My parents have been together for 29 years! Their anniversary is in July on the 14th. They met when they were college at Straford University in the U.K. (Mom says people aren't allowed to call it England any more just like they can't call Cope' Du Voi're the Ivory Coast. They traveled there actually when they first joined the foreign service Mom said it was really nice but that was before the civil war kicked in) Dad was a visiting student from UCLA and Mom was an actual student at Strafford. They didn't know or notice each other at first after all my Dad was American, and my Mom already had a boyfriend but he was an idiot anyway so it wasn't that big of loss on her part. Anyway, they didn't know each other that well until a camping trip was arranged by one of the teachers in a class they had together. Mom went and so did Dad neither one expecting anything "exciting" to happpen. My Dad who was once a real "ladies man" *shudder* had just broken up with his own girlfriend and decided to put off women for a while to focus on his college career. Figures it didn't last long. Everything was going pretty well on the camping trip, pretty boring as Mom can recall it but this is where the romantic part kicks in. You see during the trip one of the teachers wanted a group photo so he gathered everybody up including my Mom and Dad around the campfire to take it. They all huddled up as not exclude anyone and my Dad put his arm around my Mom's shoulder and that was all it took. For when the picture was offically Mom and Dad still sat next to each other talking, and smiling with my Dad's arm wrapped around her shoulders.
Pretty cool huh? A real romance novel kind of thing wouldn't you agree? The story doesn't end there, however, and neither does the fairy-tale romance. 'Cause remember my Dad was still an American college student so after his visit to Strattford was over he would have to go back to Califorina. Mom's friends told her to break it off since everybody knows the old phrase "long distance relationships never work". But never has anyone in history since the New Testament was written has a phrase or belief ever been so wrong! For by that time (the end of Dad's visit to be specific) Mom and my Dad were hoplessly in love with each other. Dad still went back to CO, however, but even though they were more then 3 thousand miles away they managed to maintain their relationship for three years straight until my Dad could stand it no longer and asked my Mom during one of their very few phone conversations to marry him. Unfortantely, Mom had larynginitis at the time so Dad wasn't able to get a straight answer for a while. God! That must have killed him!
Soon afterwards my Mom graduated from Strattford packed up her things, said goodbye to her mother & divorced father, her best friend Lynn whom she promised and has miracously still kept in contact with, and her childhood home to join my Dad in America. Their wedding was a small but exciting one since Dad was the youngest nephew and the first one to get married so everybody was making a huge fuss about it. Ironically, my parents were the last to have children but then again my Aunt Chrissy (whom was the first to give birth), my Dad's older sister, was always the competive to the end type. On their wedding day my Dad wore a black & white tux and Mom wore a blue dress with white spots all over it with lace on the cuffs and neck. Pretty non-tradtional I know but hey it was still one the four special somethings you know something old, something new, something borrowed, and something blue so it was not like she "abandoned" the ways of regular marriage. They rented a hotel by the sea for the service, Mom was led down the aisle by Dad's favorite cousin John, the Preacher was getting ready to begin the ceremony, and Dad's mother (my grandmother Emily) was firmly strapped into her seat by thick ropes as to resist the tempation to get up and forbid her baby boy to ever leave her. My Aunt said it was a real romantic wedding like something out of a movie but what was especially funny is when the preacher said, "...for sickness and in health, for richer and for poor" Mom and Dad burst out laughing because they were both extremely broke!
They're marriage was tough one, however, dealing with poverty, living in Wisconsin, finishing up college, helping Mom get her American citizenship, and finally having Heather and me for children. I'm the oldest actually but Heather is the one that truly looks older but it wouldn't matter if she was young or old or anything of the like because I still think she is the most beautiful girl in the entire family even Mom & Dad agree with me on that. But God have pity on my soul and my body if my female cousins ever find out that I said such a thing.
Although, Mom & Dad have had to deal with tons of junk along the way with their marriage like incompatibilty, Dad's anger, my disability, our constant moving around, Heather & I fighting alot, etc. etc. etc. They'e gotten through it all and not once have they cheated on each other and believe me there has been plenty of tempation along the way. Most of the people who work in the foreign service are single or soon-to-be divorced and Dad with his sweetheart abilities (why couldn't that have changed along with his looks?) and Mom's dominating mysterious nature (most men won't admit it but every single one in the history of creation loves the strong dominative type) they've been hit on PLENTY of times even in front of Heather and me. I've got the nightmares and the emotional scars to prove it! But not once has their attention ever strayed. Dad once said to me, "the best thing that ever happened to me besides having you and Heather of course was meeting your mother." I don't know if Mom feels the same but I know for a fact that Dad could probably hit on by BOTH of the Hilton sisters at the same time and not even raise one eyebrow.
So you see? Having a good and successful marriage IS possible! Its not easy but it is possible and it also doesn't have to be your first or even your second marriage to be the right one. You gotta take alot of chances in life my Mom & Dad took theirs when they decided that against all the odds their marriage and their love for each other was going to survive and I hope one day, no matter who it is or how I met him, I'll meet someone that I can be just as loyal and as faithful to like my Mom & my Dad are to each other.
Friday, June 24, 2011
First summer classes at M.C
The summer semester started yesterday, and just as Ester had promised me she picked me up at 10:15 to give me a ride to the campus, and a pep talk. I'm so glad Ester's my friend she's really nice, kind, and always shows concern for me. When I first met her I gotta admit I was a bit intimdated but only because she was so grown-up, ladylike, and mature. As soon as we go to know each other, however, I began to relax alot more. Apperances can sure be decieving can't they? Its funny how I had had the same kind of case with an old friend of mine Alexandra Smolen. She was really nice, and fun to hang out with but she was also very elegant, rich, and sophisicated so needless to say I felt like a complete redneck but she didn't seem to care and for that I was appreciative. Alexandra is actually pretty talented in addition to being so ladylike, she can play the flute, has impeccable fashion taste, great flirting skills (one guy tried to withstand her charms and cracked like a three month old rotten egg after 20 minutes), and is not snobby or rude in the least even though her family is extremely rich I think they own an art import company or something of the like so they have all kinds of neat artwork, clothes, furniture, heck even the outside of their house looks like a work of art. She can also draw really well (great in fact!) and is always up to speed when it comes to new Manga (Japanese comic books: its their real name) so if you've ever want to read or find a new series she is defintitely the one to go to.
Anyway, back to the first day of class as I said before Ester came and picked me up (I cannot tell you how nervous I was so its a good thing she was there or else I would've worn a hole through the living room floor from my anxious pacing) but, thankfully, before she arrived my Dad called the house to talk to Mom, wished me lots of luck, and said no matter what happened as long as I tried my best he would be proud of me. My Dad can be so cool sometimes a jerk as well but hey aren't all Dad's like that?
I got to my all classes and thank God they were the right ones. Isn't so annoying looking all around the campus for the right class, and walking or find yourself sitting in the wrong one? It bothers the hell out of me! Luckily, I found my way easily and my teacher seemed to be a pretty nice guy the students weren't so bad either. However, the funniest part of the day was my second class the Basic English II thing because as I getting all my stuff ready who should walk in but my old classmate Torrell*! I could've screamed right then and there! How ironic that when I first decided to go to M.C. I was worried about seeing him or anybody else there and everybody told me that the cances were very slim. Oh yeah very slim indeed! He smiled when he saw me with that usual cocky smile he was always flashing back in high school. You see he was part of the so-called "in crowd", which mostly consisted of rich kids, blonde bimbos who'd sell their bodies for any price, and egotistical prep boys whom made Colin Farrall look like the pope! I don't know where Torrell was ranked but everybody seemed to be crazy about him. I, however, had no such feelings for him. In fact, when I was in High School I was quite the Susan B. Anthony always shooting my mouth off at the smiling testosterone addicted jerks, cracking compilicated jokes at the Paris Hilton look-alikes, and God only knows what else. It was two years ago and besides how the hell would I know of what I acted like? One thing I know for sure though I was definitely never ignored. "I won't be ignored Dan!"
Luckily, Torrell and I both realized that we weren't High School in anymore I mean its one thing to constantly spar with each other in class in our senior year but its a whole another thing when we get into college. I just hope it can stay that way because frankily I do NOT want to relive any of the troubles or problems I had back then at Mont. college. *Sigh* Life just ain't is it? 5 thousand students in all the daily, weekly, and monthly classes and I just HAPPEN to get the one English class Torrell is enrolled in. And if anybody cracks a joke about this being an "act of fate" or "maybe we're destined to get know each other better" and especially *shudder* "maybe you and him will get married one day." Well...let's just say they'll find Jimmy Hoffa, the lost city of Atlantis, and discover a cure for P.M.S before they find your body!
Besides, I already have my sights on someone (an old family friend actually) and although he may be dating someone at the moment pretty soon he'll look at me and the rest will be history. Just you wait and see. Just you wait.
Anyway, back to the first day of class as I said before Ester came and picked me up (I cannot tell you how nervous I was so its a good thing she was there or else I would've worn a hole through the living room floor from my anxious pacing) but, thankfully, before she arrived my Dad called the house to talk to Mom, wished me lots of luck, and said no matter what happened as long as I tried my best he would be proud of me. My Dad can be so cool sometimes a jerk as well but hey aren't all Dad's like that?
I got to my all classes and thank God they were the right ones. Isn't so annoying looking all around the campus for the right class, and walking or find yourself sitting in the wrong one? It bothers the hell out of me! Luckily, I found my way easily and my teacher seemed to be a pretty nice guy the students weren't so bad either. However, the funniest part of the day was my second class the Basic English II thing because as I getting all my stuff ready who should walk in but my old classmate Torrell*! I could've screamed right then and there! How ironic that when I first decided to go to M.C. I was worried about seeing him or anybody else there and everybody told me that the cances were very slim. Oh yeah very slim indeed! He smiled when he saw me with that usual cocky smile he was always flashing back in high school. You see he was part of the so-called "in crowd", which mostly consisted of rich kids, blonde bimbos who'd sell their bodies for any price, and egotistical prep boys whom made Colin Farrall look like the pope! I don't know where Torrell was ranked but everybody seemed to be crazy about him. I, however, had no such feelings for him. In fact, when I was in High School I was quite the Susan B. Anthony always shooting my mouth off at the smiling testosterone addicted jerks, cracking compilicated jokes at the Paris Hilton look-alikes, and God only knows what else. It was two years ago and besides how the hell would I know of what I acted like? One thing I know for sure though I was definitely never ignored. "I won't be ignored Dan!"
Luckily, Torrell and I both realized that we weren't High School in anymore I mean its one thing to constantly spar with each other in class in our senior year but its a whole another thing when we get into college. I just hope it can stay that way because frankily I do NOT want to relive any of the troubles or problems I had back then at Mont. college. *Sigh* Life just ain't is it? 5 thousand students in all the daily, weekly, and monthly classes and I just HAPPEN to get the one English class Torrell is enrolled in. And if anybody cracks a joke about this being an "act of fate" or "maybe we're destined to get know each other better" and especially *shudder* "maybe you and him will get married one day." Well...let's just say they'll find Jimmy Hoffa, the lost city of Atlantis, and discover a cure for P.M.S before they find your body!
Besides, I already have my sights on someone (an old family friend actually) and although he may be dating someone at the moment pretty soon he'll look at me and the rest will be history. Just you wait and see. Just you wait.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
New summer semester
On the 23rd, is when I'm supposed to go M.C. (Mont. College) to start some new classes. Needless to say, I'm nervous as hell! Its not like I haven't been in these kind of situations before, going to a new school and all, its just this is college now so things are gonna be plenty different. New expectations, new kinds of curriculam, new everything basically. I know it shouldn't bother me too much because its not High School anymore and doesn't have the kind of immaurity level such as, rumor spreading, bathroom tagging (at least I hope so) etc. etc. Still, I can't help but be a bit hestiant since good first impressions have never been my best personality trait. Oh well, "play with the cards you're dealt with" that's my Dad always says.
Speaking of Dad, on March 18th right before spring break (spring break in March can you imagine?) I'll be going to visit him in Jakarta where he is currently working. No, my parents are NOT divorced they're just diplomats (actually my Dad is the diplomat Mom is more a foerign service worker) so they travel alot. Since Dad retired from the State Deoartment two years ago, 25 years was all he could take lest he end up in the lonny bin muttering "can't sleep politics will eat me, can't sleep politics will eat me," he's had to look for other assignments from diffferent international companies. Problem is though he doesn't like to travel and leave us, my Mom, sister, and me all alone especially for long periods of time. However, with the war in Iraq relationships between America and other countries have grown quite tense (suprise, suprise) so they need people like my Dad, and sometimes my Mom as well with exprience to help patch things up. Dad complains that all that basically is making excuses, buttering up the leaders, protecting our economic investments, and trying not to look like complete jackasses. Richard Nixon eat your heart out! Nevertheless, according to a minor character from Veronica Mars (UPN 20 show, coolest ever, check it out at once!) and I quote, "The whole thing reeks of foul play like Bill Clinton's wedding vows." Ironically, Clinton had the same kind of style as Richard Nixon even the cheating kind though it is very clear to see that Clinton is the one who needed to lay off the viagra. What DOES that man eat for Christ's sake?
Favorite episode of favorite show is on today! WOOHOO! Can't wait even got the DVD player set up to record the whole she-bang. Cannot wait simply cannot! But I tell ya whenever I watch my favorite I can't help but feel a bit envious. Not of the actors, mind you, they're just doing their jobs. Nope, I'm actually more envious of the characters themselves. Ex. when I watch these characters move around in the show and see how the story unfolds I can't help b ut feel jealous of how simple things seem to be. I mean, in the show there are no huge differences between good or evil. You do what's roght and that's that. You also get to inevitably hook up with the person you're so clearly in love with, save the day, kick the evil guy's butt all the way back to the slimy pit of hell from which he crawled from, and if you're lucky ytou have a whole new adventure just waiting to be seized. *Sigh* So compared to what is the real world its not hard to feel that you'd rather have a fictional character's life then a real one. In reality, there are no simple answers or right from wrong. Its only if you're lucky you get those kinds of choices. Most often, folks get stuck with decisions that both seem to be the right one but need to made for either different reasons or different people. Politicans, teachers, hell even mothers get these kind of situations. Having to make a choice of what is morally right or what is right for their family. Case in point, Abe Lincoln, Coach Carter, and lifetime movie "Weed" that actually won a golden globe.
Going to see the Weisslers today as well, pray that I don't get too annoyed by Nathan. He's not a bad kid he just has problems and its hard for him to understand certain kinds of things unless they're made perfectly clear. But hey, if anyone knows what's like to have issues its me so at least I can understand how hard it is for him. Wish me luck just the same!
Speaking of Dad, on March 18th right before spring break (spring break in March can you imagine?) I'll be going to visit him in Jakarta where he is currently working. No, my parents are NOT divorced they're just diplomats (actually my Dad is the diplomat Mom is more a foerign service worker) so they travel alot. Since Dad retired from the State Deoartment two years ago, 25 years was all he could take lest he end up in the lonny bin muttering "can't sleep politics will eat me, can't sleep politics will eat me," he's had to look for other assignments from diffferent international companies. Problem is though he doesn't like to travel and leave us, my Mom, sister, and me all alone especially for long periods of time. However, with the war in Iraq relationships between America and other countries have grown quite tense (suprise, suprise) so they need people like my Dad, and sometimes my Mom as well with exprience to help patch things up. Dad complains that all that basically is making excuses, buttering up the leaders, protecting our economic investments, and trying not to look like complete jackasses. Richard Nixon eat your heart out! Nevertheless, according to a minor character from Veronica Mars (UPN 20 show, coolest ever, check it out at once!) and I quote, "The whole thing reeks of foul play like Bill Clinton's wedding vows." Ironically, Clinton had the same kind of style as Richard Nixon even the cheating kind though it is very clear to see that Clinton is the one who needed to lay off the viagra. What DOES that man eat for Christ's sake?
Favorite episode of favorite show is on today! WOOHOO! Can't wait even got the DVD player set up to record the whole she-bang. Cannot wait simply cannot! But I tell ya whenever I watch my favorite I can't help but feel a bit envious. Not of the actors, mind you, they're just doing their jobs. Nope, I'm actually more envious of the characters themselves. Ex. when I watch these characters move around in the show and see how the story unfolds I can't help b ut feel jealous of how simple things seem to be. I mean, in the show there are no huge differences between good or evil. You do what's roght and that's that. You also get to inevitably hook up with the person you're so clearly in love with, save the day, kick the evil guy's butt all the way back to the slimy pit of hell from which he crawled from, and if you're lucky ytou have a whole new adventure just waiting to be seized. *Sigh* So compared to what is the real world its not hard to feel that you'd rather have a fictional character's life then a real one. In reality, there are no simple answers or right from wrong. Its only if you're lucky you get those kinds of choices. Most often, folks get stuck with decisions that both seem to be the right one but need to made for either different reasons or different people. Politicans, teachers, hell even mothers get these kind of situations. Having to make a choice of what is morally right or what is right for their family. Case in point, Abe Lincoln, Coach Carter, and lifetime movie "Weed" that actually won a golden globe.
Going to see the Weisslers today as well, pray that I don't get too annoyed by Nathan. He's not a bad kid he just has problems and its hard for him to understand certain kinds of things unless they're made perfectly clear. But hey, if anyone knows what's like to have issues its me so at least I can understand how hard it is for him. Wish me luck just the same!
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
I love manga!
Today I can officially go out and buy my manga book! I'm so happy! I totally love this new series and the latest volume just came out (# 10) and I absolutely must have it! It's this really cool story about a girl getting zapped back in time (of course), and meeting this drop-dead gorgeous guy named Prince Kail. At first, the girl (Yuri) is pretty hesitant towards him since he's a real playboy and is one of those kinds of men whom think that women only exist to give men something to do. You just can't escape that stereotype. Anyhoo, so she runs away from him when he protects her from the soliders that come looking for her (course he just HAS to kiss and grapple her in order do so doesn't he?) but then she gets captured and fins out that the reason she has been brought here, to the Ancient Middle East where I used to live (sweet huh?) is because the evil Queen wants her son to become the next emperor but since he is the sixth prince and therefore the last in the line of inheritance she has to get rid of the other princes before him. So she prays to the storm god that she serves and asks for a human sacrifice to set the curse she put them in motion, which coincedentaly turns out to be Yuri. So she gets scared and tries to tell the emperor whats going on (after all his sons are danger too) but alas, the Queen gets to him first and sets up a public appointment for the sacrfice ritual. She lies about its true purpose of course but just as Yuri is about to be executed Prince Kail saves her (again!) and says that in order to be a sacrifice a woman has to be a virgin (they always do don't they? Why can't sluts be just as useful for ritual killings huh?! Sexist pigs!) so in order to save Yuri he jazzs up a story that he recently took her viginity (which of course he has NOT because Yuri is most definitely not that easy. Atta girl!) luckily everybody buys it and for the moment Yuri's safe. The story goes on and gets even cooler along the way and like all romantic tales Yuri does end up falling for Prince Kail and he with her. Problem is, however, she is from 500 years in the future and Kail, though being the THIRD prince, is most likely going to be the one to become the next and most powerful emperor. So naturally, he needs a good queen to be by his side and bear his children. Although, everybody thinks Yuri is more then suitable for the job, thanks to the all good things she does to help the common people and the battles she helps Prince Kail win, she believes that she's not good enough to be his wife. Man! Love sure is complicated ain't it?
But its an awesome series (known to all as "Red River") and I recommend it to everybody! Funnily enough, I first read it when I went to visit a college in Viginia and instantly got hooked but since Dad doesn't think my obsession with cartoons is good he didn't buy it for me. Well, would he rather I watch the O.C. and learn how to get myself impregnated with three different guys including my best friend's own one? At least with cartoons I can use my imagination instead of my hormones. Anyway, since I didn't write the title down I forget it and it took me three years to find it again. When I did it was in the middle of Barnes & Nobles and once I figured out it was the ONE my eye started to twitch and I screamed as loud as I possibly could, "WOOOOHOOOOO!" Kim, my friend who was there with me, didn't speak to me for a week after that. But hey for all my quirky and weirdness Kim still loves me. After all, if I wasn't around who else would there be to give her hope? Besides according to my father, mother, sister, cousins, and ironically my threapists as well, "With you around Laura who the hell needs cable?" Thank you, Thank you very much.
Oooh but I sincerely hope that they still have a copy handy or else I'm gonna have to go all the way to Lakeforest to get it. Damn you Gods of the Bookworms! Why is it that whenever I like a certain kind of series it is always the one that is hard to find? Why do you torment this way? WHYY?! Ah well, life goes on i supposed but wish me luck and on the rare (well sometimes rare I guess) occasion I go postal pray for my family, my soul, and that my lawyer is still willing to take my calls.
But its an awesome series (known to all as "Red River") and I recommend it to everybody! Funnily enough, I first read it when I went to visit a college in Viginia and instantly got hooked but since Dad doesn't think my obsession with cartoons is good he didn't buy it for me. Well, would he rather I watch the O.C. and learn how to get myself impregnated with three different guys including my best friend's own one? At least with cartoons I can use my imagination instead of my hormones. Anyway, since I didn't write the title down I forget it and it took me three years to find it again. When I did it was in the middle of Barnes & Nobles and once I figured out it was the ONE my eye started to twitch and I screamed as loud as I possibly could, "WOOOOHOOOOO!" Kim, my friend who was there with me, didn't speak to me for a week after that. But hey for all my quirky and weirdness Kim still loves me. After all, if I wasn't around who else would there be to give her hope? Besides according to my father, mother, sister, cousins, and ironically my threapists as well, "With you around Laura who the hell needs cable?" Thank you, Thank you very much.
Oooh but I sincerely hope that they still have a copy handy or else I'm gonna have to go all the way to Lakeforest to get it. Damn you Gods of the Bookworms! Why is it that whenever I like a certain kind of series it is always the one that is hard to find? Why do you torment this way? WHYY?! Ah well, life goes on i supposed but wish me luck and on the rare (well sometimes rare I guess) occasion I go postal pray for my family, my soul, and that my lawyer is still willing to take my calls.
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Just letting everyone know
I have almost finished chapter 14 and still going strong so I wouldn't be suprised if book four will be finished sooner than you think.
Another review of my book!
I am so grateful for my fans and the people willing to do reviews. Even when I reviews that say my book is trash I still appreciate the honesty because it gives me suggestions for improvement. I have probably annoyed the heck out of people like my family and friends talking about my book but I can honestly say I am grateful. Grateful for people taking this time to help me. It's great really! So to everyone thank you o very much.
Friday, June 17, 2011
Self publishing: is it good or bad?
http://www.pbs.org/mediashift/2011/06/literary-agents-try-new-role-as-self-publishing-consultants167.html
Its funny how so many people give me trouble for being a self-published author. I wish I could submit my work to a traditional publisher but the problem is I need an editor. An editor costs so much money. I couldn't afford such a thing. Plus traditional publishers take so much time and u have to submit a query letter and so much more. Most tradionational publishers won't accept anything without a literary agent. God knows what that would require. Most stores won't accept self published books on their shelves unless they make it onto a best seller list. All i can hope is that with publishing in the future those requirements will challenge.
Its funny how so many people give me trouble for being a self-published author. I wish I could submit my work to a traditional publisher but the problem is I need an editor. An editor costs so much money. I couldn't afford such a thing. Plus traditional publishers take so much time and u have to submit a query letter and so much more. Most tradionational publishers won't accept anything without a literary agent. God knows what that would require. Most stores won't accept self published books on their shelves unless they make it onto a best seller list. All i can hope is that with publishing in the future those requirements will challenge.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
My Page - Book Blogs
My Page - Book Blogs
Steve Weber (one of the best authors I know) suggested in his book that if you are an author this is truly one of the best sites to register on. You can make all kinds of contacts on here. I should know I have done so.
Steve Weber (one of the best authors I know) suggested in his book that if you are an author this is truly one of the best sites to register on. You can make all kinds of contacts on here. I should know I have done so.
Monday, June 13, 2011
Its funny..,,
All these years I like to believe I have built an immunity to people saying things to me that hurt my feelings. Half of the stuff they say I know they dont mean as insults but either way... That in addition to bad reviews. My parents always told me that even if u hate it u got to take the bad with the good. So last night although I had fun I wasn't like the most well-liked person there. But hey at least I showed and had a good time. Worst part is ever since my break-ups (yes it's plural) I have been feeling really emotional vulnerable. I know it's not possible and stupid but I wish I could live a thousand miles away from people that way I wouldn't have to worry so much about the way I act or about my feelings. I wouldn't have to change to suit other people's needs. But hey that is life I suppose. On the positive side although I made a bad impresion on the Johnsons last night at least I still had fun and helped to promote my book. In addition I called the Weisslers apologizing and they got back to me today and said it was okay. I may piss people off but at least I am good at making it right.
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Promoting my book I wonder if it will ever get easy
Still trying to promote my book with no money and not trying to seem desperate. So far I have only met one of those goals. On the plus side my sales have gone up. On a personal note I have talked to an old friend who just proposed to his boyfriend. Whose name is ironically David as well. I am happy for them both. I do hope they find happiness. David* was my first editor so I have promised him a free autographed copy of my book for their Hannukah present. He and Dave might me be moving to California so getting an address is going to be hell. Either way I am just glad David has found happiness.
Tales of Aradia The Last Witch Volume 1
Tales of Aradia The Last Witch Volume 1
Saturday, June 11, 2011
My writing mentor...
http://www.paramuspost.com/article.php/20110610203627122
One of the things my father is really glad about me deciding to be a writer for is the fact that my Uncle Steven is a writer as well. He has written several books such as the Legend Of Bagger Vance and the War of art which is helped me so much. His latest book is called the Profession. The above link is the review! I am so proud of him and I can honestly without him I dont think I would have been able to get this far.
One of the things my father is really glad about me deciding to be a writer for is the fact that my Uncle Steven is a writer as well. He has written several books such as the Legend Of Bagger Vance and the War of art which is helped me so much. His latest book is called the Profession. The above link is the review! I am so proud of him and I can honestly without him I dont think I would have been able to get this far.
Find and Make Dynamic Web Widgets — Widgetbox
Find and Make Dynamic Web Widgets — Widgetbox
in case anyone wants to add widgets to their google blog
Blogging: You Can Send Your Readers Away! | CuteWriting
Blogging: You Can Send Your Readers Away! | CuteWriting
Extra help on improving my blog sites...it does say however that the widgets arent cool. I don't think thats so I like the widgets. I think they are pretty tight and if i pick the right ones they can help my readers
Friday, June 10, 2011
Who loves free kindle books?
http://www.amazon.com/Tales-Aradia-Last-Witch-ebook/dp/B004VTCDYM/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1307733849&sr=1-1
This is the link where u can download Tales of Aradia the Last Witch Volume 1 for free if u have a kindle. And if u like it be sure to leave a review.
This is the link where u can download Tales of Aradia the Last Witch Volume 1 for free if u have a kindle. And if u like it be sure to leave a review.
I am still making progress on my 4th book
I am trying but balancing school, and my need to sleep like a log all through the summer is hard. I am getting a lot of inspiration and I am hoping in this book I can finally elaborate Beau md Aradia's relationship. Most of all, how hard it is for them. After all Aradia is one technically a woman in power and there are some men who are not comfortable taking a back seat. The advantages of being surrounded by people in relationships I see examples of what I can write about and who I can base it on.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Now I know I am getting ahead of myself...
But if my book series could be made into a movie (please God) the person whom I would love to play Beau Dayton would Tom Felton a.k.a Draco Malfoy from Harry Potter. I do not know if this would be acceptable to him after all he just escaped one book role and u know how lethal those things can be. Furthermore, he is a mega star! Why would he bother with my book? But hey a girl can dream can't she?
I mean seriously wouldn't a great vampire?
 | |
| P.S. in case u don't know this is Tom Felton |
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Patti Roberts - Supporting Authors: Tales of Aradia The Last Witch Volume 1 By L.A. Jo...
Patti Roberts - Supporting Authors: Tales of Aradia The Last Witch Volume 1 By L.A. Jo...: "The Salem Witch Trials were as we all know a horrific turning point in history. It showed people how far their paranoia could lead them ..."
Authors catch fire with self-published e-books - USATODAY.com
Authors catch fire with self-published e-books - USATODAY.com
People wonder why i have faith in self-publishing. My uncle Steve heard about this writer and showed me this article. Amanda Hocking grant me ur strength and success!
People wonder why i have faith in self-publishing. My uncle Steve heard about this writer and showed me this article. Amanda Hocking grant me ur strength and success!
Monday, June 6, 2011
A hundred stupid things I have done in my life
To go through the list would be take too long (more like half a day and i don't know about u but I don't have that kind of time) and it would be far too humiliating but to be specific about the latest stupid thing I have done i am still trying to hype the hell out of my book on Shelfari and I come of across a person who seems to like books about the fae (more like worships them) so of course i recommend the book to her or him. The thing is now that i think about it my book does not really portray the fae in a positive light so the odds once she reads it she will hate my guts. My bad huh?
There's a irony in books and film...
Usually some books don't become succeses until after they are turned into a movie. I don't know if I dare to hope that that will be what happens to my series (which I have decided will have ten volumes) but at the same time I can only hope success. I know many people criticize it for being similar to Twilight but to quote one of my friends Tara Marie what are the similarities beside the love triangles? Nothing! There are no similarities not in the events or story line or even in the character. I like to believe I have developed Aradia into a bit more relatable character than Bella Swan because everyone can relate to what she has been through. Such as bullying, loneliness, fear, not knowing who you are, and wanting to know what kind of future you have. I also like to believe in spite of the vampires, werewolves, fairies, and shape shifters the story is a bit more believeable. What do I mean? The issues they deal with are things like prejudice, politics, adjusting to new rules, and what happens when u find answers. I think that's what makes my book series more unique is because unlike other series involving the last of their kind Aradia does something more when she finds out that she is the last witch alive. She decides to do something about it. She doesn't go for revenge (not yet) but what she does do is able to change things.
U gotta ask yourself one thing which is the basic concept of this series: if you were still young but u had just been giving an opportunity to change everything would you do it?
U gotta ask yourself one thing which is the basic concept of this series: if you were still young but u had just been giving an opportunity to change everything would you do it?
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Book Reviews As You Like It-Raw!: Aradia- The last Witch
Book Reviews As You Like It-Raw!: Aradia- The last Witch: "This was the latest take on the vampyre genre I've read. But to tell the truth, it's no where close to the chick lits. This book contains no..."
Saturday, June 4, 2011
tales of aradia the last witch - Barnesandnoble.com
tales of aradia the last witch - Barnesandnoble.com product list where u can buy a paperback of this book in addition to the eBooks and u can have it shipped to ur local book store.
My Page - Book Blogs
My Page - Book Blogs and looking for reviewers and I might add one of the most popular websites for beginning writers
Amazon.com: tales of aradia the last witch
Amazon.com: tales of aradia the last witch the entire product page on Amazon.com
I know the rankings on my books are low but let me ask you if everyone agreed whether or not a book was good why would we have so many?
Amazon.com: tales of aradia the last witch
Amazon.com: tales of aradia the last witch the entire product page on Amazon.com
I know the rankings on my books are low but let me ask you if everyone agreed whether or not a book was good why would we have so many?
Shelfari
http://www.shelfari.com/search/books?Keywords=tales%20of%20aradia%20the%20last%20witch
Shelfari page that lists my entire book series from the kindles to the paperback. Lists sites where u can buy and review them. Enjoy.
Shelfari page that lists my entire book series from the kindles to the paperback. Lists sites where u can buy and review them. Enjoy.
Mysteriousbooks: Review: Tales of Aradia: The Last Witch by L.A. Jo...
Mysteriousbooks: Review: Tales of Aradia: The Last Witch by L.A. Jo...: "Book one in the Tales of Aradia: The Last Witch series About Tales of Aradia: The Last Witch Unknown to the humans who hung innocent pe..."
Personality Quiz based on tales of aradia!
Directions to take this quiz: It will introduce to you the most important characters featured in the series and help to see which character's personality matches your own. Look at the questions and circle the letter to which answer you would likely choose. Tally up the number of times you have circled the letter to match the answers at the bottom. This will tell you which character you resemble and hopefully pique your interest to read more about Tales of Aradia the Last Witch.
0. If someone or a group of people were staring at you strangely what would you do?
a. Ignore them, and go on about your business.
b. You would think that they have serious problems, and openly show your disdain for them.
c. Go up to them, and demand angrily why they are staring at you.
d. Smile and then mock them loudly for all to hear thus embarrassing them in front of everyone. Serves them right.
e. At first ignore them, but then systemically find out who they are and punish them appropriately. No one does anything without your permission.
2. When you were in high school what was the worst thing you had to handle?
a. Bullying
b. Dealing with people who you thought were beneath you.
c. Relationships
d. Are you kidding? I loved high school! So many people to pick on.
e. What are you talking about? I could handle anything.
3. If you see someone who is considered popular being injured what do you do?
a. You help them because they are hurt
b. Ignore them and go about your business
c. Avoid them deliberately.
d. Are you kidding? There is no one more popular than me!
e. Gain their trust by helping them and then use it to your advantage.
4. Honesty...what does that word mean to you?
a. You believe everyone should be honest
b. If it can help you get what you want then sure
c. Only when necessary
d. Truth hurts enough said
e. It is overrated
5. If you thought you could help solve a crime...
a. You would do it in a heartbeat
b. If it has nothing to do with you then it is best for you avoid it
c. Doubt you could be that useful.
d. What's your point?
e. Why bother? Crimes occur all the time it's no big deal doing anything because another will always occur.
6. If you discovered one of your best friends had a very dark secret what would you do?
a. You look past that and accept them for who they are.
b. Avoid that person
c. It depends
d. Can you say blackmail?
e. Pretend to accept it but at the right opportune moment use it against them.
7. What do you value the most?
a. Your independence
b. How you appear to others
c. Staying true to your family roots
d. You are the most valuable person on Earth!
e. Power and obedience from others
8. If you had to choose between your love life or helping others what choice would you make?
a. Helping others
b. My love life obviously
c. It depends if others include my family
d. Why choose? I am more than capable of doing both
e. Neither such a choice is stupid
9. What do you think makes a family?
a. Love is all that matters
b. Being taken in when you have no where else to go
c. Genetics
d. What you can inherit and what is expected of you
e. If they help you achieve what you want then you have them but never let them forget they are your property and yours alone.
10. You choose your friends because...
a. They are nice
b. They are just classy as I am
c. We have so much in common
d. They recognize your importance
e. They fear you, obey you, and will help you achieve power.
11. Changes in your world
a. You feel everyone can make a difference
b. Your experience is things never change
c. Things are okay the way they are now
d. If it is necessary than I will do it for the good of my people
e. Only if they are to your advantage and you are making them.
12. If your friend was hurt because of you
a. You automatically blame yourself
b. You think blaming yourself solves nothing
c. You deliberately go out of your way to make it right
d. That would never happen
e. What's your point?
13. Sacrificing yourself...
a. If that's the only way then yes
b. You don't see the point
c. It doesn't solve anything
d. Are you kidding?
e. You can make others do it
14. Your opinion...
a. You are honest but you say it in the nicest way you can
b. You are brutally honest
c. You tell them what they need to hear
d. Is all that matters
e. Your word is your law.
15. If you see a girl beat up a group of thugs all by herself
a. You go "Whoa!"
b. You are amazed at her strength
c. Feel weird about being around someone that strong
d. Now there's a girl who won't be able to get a date for the prom
e. You sense a potential rival for power
16. Sensitivity...
a. You realize how harsh the world can be
b. Other people's insults, and opinions mean nothing to you
c. If someone hurts you, you automatically let them know
d. What's that suppose to mean?
e. It is a stupid emotion
17. In a society where there are no laws
a. If you can you try and change that
b. You go on with your life regardless
c. You learn to live with it
d. The world is a tough place to live in so it's no surprise to me
e. Perfect for you to establish your own power in.
18. Your relationship with your siblings
a. I don't have any
b. I would trust them with my life
c. They are my family. Enough said.
d. I was born first that's all that matters
e. I have none and if I did as long as they serve me then I care.
19. A good father
a. Is someone who is always there for you and loves you no matter what
b. Is someone who does not mistreat you
c. Is someone who never leaves you
d. If he has a duty then you can respect what he doesn't have time for you
e. There is no such thing and no point.
20. Justice
a. It is more important than anyone realizes
b. The world is not fair
c. Any type of justice is better than none.
d. There is no justice in life
e. Power is all that matters
Answers
If you chose mostly A's
Then the character whose personality matches yours is Aradia the last witch.
You have had a hard life especially with your peers. Friendship therefore means everything to you. Although you know the world can be cruel you try not to add to it by being honest. You hate to hurt people's feelings. Others mean more to you than yourself. If you can make a difference you do so without any hesitation.
If you chose mostly B's
Then your character matches that of Beau Dayton the four hundred year old vampire and eldest foster son of the head of the zoning board of Salem.
You are realistic and think the world can never change. You are brutally honest because it is the best way to let someone know. However, you are not opposed to lying if it helps you achieve something especially if it concerns your loved ones. You keep to yourself and your involvement in others are limited. You value yourself highly and are not insecure.
If you chose mostly C's
Then your character matches that of Roy the third eldest son of the owner of the SilverMoon diner, the most popular eatery in Salem, who was born a werewolf.
Insecurity is part of who you are, but you definitely put a value on yourself. Family is something you are born with and you put up with it no matter what. Strength is like oxygen to you. No pushes you around. But at that same time you fear abandonment more than anything else.
If you chose mostly D's
Then your character matches that of Tristan the two hundred year old crown prince of the Seelie fae court.
Confidence is what you have in yourself and in your place in the world. No can make you feel bad about yourself because you know how great you are. Making others feel bad, however, is your specialty but you don't mean anything by it. You are harsh but only because you are realistic, you know how tough life can be and don't wish to fool people to think otherwise. You know your duty, your place in life, and embrace with open arms. You like to be around people but you don't need them to validate yourself. You know who and what you are and are proud of it.
If you chose mostly E's
Then your character matches that of the master of all vampires who rules with an iron fist over every vampire in the world including Salem.
You know what is best. You focus on the big picture. Organization and strategy comes to you as easy as breathing. You accomplish more than others. You like to be in control but that's only because you can achieve the most. You reward your followers and friends handsomely but only if they do what you say. You hate to have rivals because that causes chaos and chaos is the one thing you despise. Accomplishment is what you crave and believe no matter how far you rise there is always more.