Questions come to me

  Today was certainly intresting one. First got up at 2 in the morning, went back toi bed at 4, went to see my Dr., got to school really early but had to figure out a way to get there right on the spot, went to English class and found out that we had HWK due and I wasn't even aware of it, awful in-class assignment, and am now tired out of my freaking mind! I know, I know, I shouldn't be whinning things could be alot worse I guess I'm just a big baby sometimes.

   But something did occur to me in English class that I've been turning over in my mind for the past threee hours! You see, in my class there's this...um..I dunno "old"...well wouldn't say friend but ah hell that's not the point! Anyway, I was talking to this guy whom I've actually known since Middle School and the subject of Valentines day/dating came up. Don't ask please! So I asked if he was gonna celebrate with his girlfriend, and he said that she and him had broke up a long time ago. That's when it hit me. That I had never had a real relationship with anyone before.

     Don't get me wrong its not like I haven't date in my life its just...that was a long time ago and I don't really have pleasant memories about it. To tell the truth, the only time I fell completely head over heels for someone was when I met Matt back in Egypt. My parents are in the foreign service so we've (my sister and I) been traveling ever since we were babies hell I was even born on one of their trips. In Manchester, England where ironically Mom was born and raised. Anyhoo, I was in 6th grade around 11 when we went to Egypt we had planned to stay for three years or so but things changed. However, while I was there I met some intresting people like Elizabeth & Nicole, Alanna & Katherine, the Johnson boys, the Dole boys, the McClouds, and the Rileys. I met some other people too but my memory isn't that great. The people I just mentioned, however, were very special to me, we all hung out together at the Maadi House (an American/Egyptain verison of a country club), celebrated holidays together, but most importantly developed feelings for each other. Ex. Alanna's little brother fell for my sister but when she rejected his advances (not in a mean of course) he started courting one of Alanna and mine best friends, Katherine. Heather (my sister) didn't stay single for long though because it turns out that the Rileys were old friends of our parents and they too had children. An eldest daughter named Elizabeth a.k.a Besty and a younger son about Heather's age named Will and I bet by now you can see where I'm going with this. I, however, for the longest time had a bit of crush on David of the Johnson boys. They were four of them in all, David was my age, Timmy was the youngest, Kenny was the second oldest, and Matt was the first born. As the four of them spent more and more time with Alanna, Katherine, and I. My feelings started to wear out for David and little by little I fell head over heels for Matt. It wasn't that he was older or cuter that I found him extremely attractive he had a way of making me feel better about myself (it was my pre-teen years after all), he spoke to me like no one else did like I was smart, and clever and not a bit weird. We would have tons of conversations just him and I mostly about God because he and his family were very religious. But other times we would just kid around, cracking jokes at each other, and for the first time in my life I actually felt like someone respected me. Sometimes when I would get upset about the other kids at the Maadi house (not my friends of course) making fun of me and calling me weird he would somehow in some mysterious way sneak poems into my backpack to cheer me up. He was always there for me like a big brother but I wanted him to be way more then that. However, there wasn't even the slightest possibilty that he and I would "hook up" because not only was he older then me 18 years old to my 12 he was also too mature, and sophisiticated to ever want to spend time with an obnoxious little kid like me.

   *Sigh* In the end my family and I moved back to America and I never saw him again. But its crazy I mean even though its been 5 years since I've seen him and alot of things have changed about me I still can't find anyone who comes close to him. He was so sweet, kind, caring, he was like an angel! Even at that time I had a "fantasy" image of what the perfect man would be and he was every bit of it! Its not like I'm desperate or anything its just...*sigh* I'm confused I really don't know what's like to BE in a relationship. I mean is it basically finding someone whom you can tolerate having sex with or what?

   Ah whatever! I supposed I'll find someone when the time is right in the mean time I hope hell I even pray that Hollywood will lower their sexual expectations because if one more blonde bimbo comes up to me and asks if the reason why you don't date because you're a lesbian?" I am gonna go SOOOO axe-murderer/black widow postal!